"I am writing this biography in hopes that other gay men out there may feel supported to come out without hurting those they love. It's easy to feel like you made decisions in your life that were right at the time and later feel alone and unable to talk to anyone.

My name is John. I grew up in Bothell, Washington, where I didn't feel like I fit in, partially because of my home life. Coping with abusive, alcoholic parents, I tried to stay unnoticed in school, which really resulted in the opposite, being picked on and called names.

Growing up in the '70s, I didn't know what it was to live as a gay man, but I knew that I didn't want that label attached to me. All through school, I had many girlfriends and thought that having a girlfriend meant having someone with whom to go to the movies or lunch or to talk with on the phone everyday. It wasn't till 10th grade that I got kissed by a girl. It was nice, but I always saw myself kissing the football star! Of course that would never happen, because I wasn't going to be gay.

After I graduated, I met a woman and dated, off and on, for 5 years. I asked her to marry me, because I thought that is what men are supposed to do, but called it off 6 months before the wedding, because I didn't feel that she was “right for me”. Actually, I think it was because I didn't really desire women.

I had some encounters with guys but became very guilt-ridden and promised myself that I would change. I continued to play the charade till the next time. After a couple of years, my best friends were dating and I was always the one by myself. I got desperate, placed a personal ad and met my former wife.

Now that I was dating, it soon became apparent that marriage should be next, since all my friends were getting married and I didn't want to be left out. I figured that if I married, had kids, a good job and friends then the feelings I had for men would go away, and they did subside for about eight years. I was very busy with a wife, kids and a thriving business.

Then the kids went to school full time, my wife was working full time and my career changed. I found I was not happy with my life and started thinking about guys again. Soon the question crossed my mind, “Could I live as a gay man“? I told myself no. I didn't know what that lifestyle would be like, and I was afraid of what I didn't know, so I continued with the game of being married and I didn't want to loose what I had become comfortable for the past 25 yrs.

Everyone reaches a time in their life to reflect back and for me it was my 40th birthday. I realized that maybe half of my life was gone and I wanted the second half to be better. Things got worse with my wife; we argued more, we stopped having sex, and I spent more time away from my family. I had been seeing a guy before asking my wife for a divorce and became comfortable living as a gay man one day at a time, until soon my boyfriend pushed me to leave my wife.

I knew he was not the one I would spend the rest on my life with, but he was there; helping me with being gay, taking me to gay bars and Gay Pride, hanging out in the gay part of the city. We even went on a couple of weekend trips. One day my wife asked me to go to her counselor and the first question was, “Do you want to be married?” This was a “no-brainer” and before I knew what I would say, it came out -- “I want a divorce.”

From that day on, I knew I was about to be free, but I didn't realize what kind of hell I was about to go through. My divorce lasted 9 months and was not fun. I lost most of my friends of 20 years, but it made me realize too that they may not have been my best friends.

At that point, I was still not out to my former wife or my kids, who were 6 and 9, but the guy I was dating came over to my house, and people in my small community would see us together. Then my ex-wife met him and I knew it was just a matter of time till someone figured it out. By this time, I had seen a counselor for a couple months and had joined the Gay Fathers group trying to prepare myself for coming out.

Six months after the divorce, I asked my former wife to have a drink with me at a restaurant. Someone had told me they had broken the news to their wife by writing a letter so I did just that. We met and I was very nervous. We talked about the kids and I said that I wanted to be her friend and work together to raise them well. She said that she just didn't understand why I divorced her. That is when I pulled out this letter:

“Susan I have been unhappy for most of my life because I was living a lie. I am gay. I don't have any regrets marrying you, because we have two great kids, but I am sorry for what I put you through. I hope you will forgive me. I didn't plan this.  Love, John”

It was a very emotional evening…. She told me she hoped I would be happy. It was the most difficult thing I had ever done, but I walked away feeling that the world had lifted off my shoulders. I still didn't feel I needed to tell everyone but if someone asked I wouldn't deny it. I then told my kids. My 9-year-old daughter was mad at me for 2 weeks but when she saw that nothing had changed, she was okay with it. Then I started coming out to my close friends who basically said, “So! We like you because of who you are.”

Six months later, I was in a restaurant and a man overheard me talking to a friend about my ex-wife, how we were living on the same street and how that was going. The man came over and said he was producing a documentary and would be interested in interviewing me and my ex- for the film. We went, were interviewed and filming started a few weeks later. I think that is was a good thing for Susan to let out her hurt feelings and for me to come out. “In-laws and Outlaws” debuted at the Seattle Film Festival and Seattle Gay and Lesbian Film Festival. It has since won awards throughout the country.  www.inlawsandoutlawsfilm.com

It has been five years since I answered the question, “Do you want to be married?” It hasn't been an easy road but I have no regrets. My kids have seen me be honest with myself and everyone around me. Hopefully, they will live their lives that way too. They know that I am still a fun-loving dad who cares about their lives and that they are protected from bad influences.

I met a wonderful man who has also experienced many of the same challenges and also has two kids. We are grateful that we can talk to each other and know that the other can relate and give constructive advice as what the other might do. We don't live together “Brady Bunch style” but as far as the kids go they get along and see the others are getting along with a gay father. I feel that this is healthy for kids of gay fathers so that they know they are not the only ones.

If you were to meet me today, you would find a pretty normal person; well respected in the community, a good father and a trusted friend.  I love riding my motorcycle, landscaping my property, running my business and being a father. It has been a difficult road but I wouldn't change it, because it has made me more aware of my kids and what it means to be a Gay Father." - John