"It's never easy to write about yourself so I'll just tell you how it all happened for me in the coming out process. I guess I can say that I have always known I was gay from a very young age, but growing up in the mid-west it was not something you shared with people. I came from a large family of five sisters and four brothers, yes a Catholic family.

I dated my ex-wife in high school and into my first year of college. Met my first, I guess you could call partner, in college - a friend of my ex-wife's friend. When we met for the first time it was like we had known each other before and were drawn to each other like nothing I had ever known.

He was the first person I had ever had a gay experience with and spent the weekend with him. The following Monday I came out to my ex-wife (girlfriend at that time). Told her I was gay and was coming out. She and I remained good friends through that process with a lot of crying involved.

I lived with my first partner for a year and a half. Then the Church of Christ came around and started showing us all the so called passages against being gay. Not knowing much about the Bible we decided we had to change and live straight lives. My ex-wife (girlfriend at that time) still said she loved me and wanted to have kids with me. I also wanted children so we agreed to marry with the talk that things could always change down the road. I have four wonderful kids. Our first child was still born. So now three beautiful loving kids who are the greatest. My partner at the time also married my ex-wife' best friend and had three children of his own. He has since divorced and is still trying to go through the reparative therapy classes to not be gay.  He does not talk to me since I came out, and still lives in the mid-west.

I moved from Wisconsin to Seattle back in about 1997 if I remember right; shortly after finding out that my now ex-wife was seeing someone while we lived in Wisconsin. It is at that point that I decided to leave her and be true to whom I have always known I was. I started going to the Gay Fathers group during that time and also was lucky enough to find the man that stole my heart and soul, John B.

The first time I saw him, I had the same thing happen to me that happened back in college with my first partner. Just a wham! I knew he was the one.

We were friends first, but within a short time knew that our feeling ran much deeper then friends. We just had a lot of things in common and felt that God had brought us together at this point in time.  We both came from conservative families, we both moved out of our houses the same month, and we both had three kids. Our friends used to call us the Gay Brady Bunch because we have three girls and three boys.

We enjoyed the best eight years of our lives together. Sadly, I lost John to Pancreatic Cancer this year on March 22, 2007.  I feel blessed that we found and had the kind of relationship that some people search for their whole lives and never find, so for that I'm thankful.  I miss him more then anyone can know, but I know he also wants me to be happy and move on. I'm trying to do that part now as you read this. My friends including the Gay Fathers group, have been a great support to me and I'm thankful to be a part of such a great group of men.

Thanks for reading my story. I hope you can find some things in this that may remind you of yourself or help you come check us out. In the picture I'm in the front, John is in the back with his arms around me like I know they will always be."  -PH